Random Stuff

Lovely date is today, 0707; the James bond date… Problem is with me that I have a lot to write on a lot of topics; they keep on pondering in my mind all the time but the moment I start to write I tend to forget and be as blank as a sky without stars.

It feels good, real good, when people say they missed you. You don’t know whether they did or not, you could never know, but the joy inside you, you know that  is real. It doesn’t matter whether it lasts for a couple of minutes or hours or days, it happens is what matters.

I have done things that I never thought I would ever do, although I wanted to do, but wasn’t sure I would have enough guts to pull myself from my walls that veiled me from the reality. I have done good things. I have done terrible things. The best part is I don’t have any regrets. I was shocked too.

A lot of things in life we want should happen the way we want, but it seldom goes that way. And in my case it just goes the other way round. So I started wanting the opposite things; maybe negative-negative would cancel out and I would get the actual thing I require. I don’t know what logic is that and I would not comment on how far it played well.

We, human beings, require a lot of things. We want it. We need it. That is what makes us desperate. Desperate for friendship, love, money, glamour, fame, happiness, good looks… don’t want to extend the list. It’s all in the show biz. You show what you got and the people believe in what they see. They say, “if you got it, flaunt it.” I would not agree. I would not disagree. Yeah. I am a neutral person and believe to go with the flow. I seldom judge and I hate judgmental people.

I question a lot. I irritate people. And the worst thing is that I do that in my own acknowledgement. It’s funny, you might think. Why to make people dislike you if you know what you are doing isn’t liked by them? Yeah. I wonder that too. I have repelled a lot of people in this way. Still no regrets! Funny! I care for people in a way they never get to know. Sad.

A lot of questions remain unanswered. They say every question has an answer. Either you know it or you don’t want to know it. I don’t know how far is that true. Sometimes I know why I am in pain somewhere vaguely in the back of my mind but I would prefer not to know and the curtain makes me believe that I have no idea why I am sad. Complicated, right? That is the point. It makes my mind wonder that I am sad without knowing the reason, and instead of being sad, my mind would be busy finding answers to why I am in agony. It makes my mind busy. But, sometimes I actually don’t know the answer. Nor any people I know, knows it. Then how could you tell that every question has an answer.

Every lock has a key. But no point if the lock is in Mumbai and the key is in Delhi. It would be same as the lock has no key. Similarly if you can’t find the reason behind then there is no reason, you can assume!

I fear to be honest. Worst mistake in my life is to be completely honest to a person who judges every spec of dust. I thought I could change his mind. I think I could do a lot of things. I could bring a reform in the society. Make a revolution with my thoughts. Change the mentality of the crowd. I overestimate myself sometimes. I could not do any of it. But I believe, something would be done definitely by me.

Like I always wanted to write blogs, sing songs, pen poems,  make stories, create music, dance, paint, play an instrument, be best at a game, be a hair stylist, be philosophical guide, a helping hand, design: anything like room, dresses, decorations, jewelry, shoes, palace, malls… again the list is endless. We want to do a lot of things. I wanted to do a lot of things and still I want. Some of the things I did, some I started recently, some I have not done at all, some I could never do. So what? None of the things that were ever on my list would ever come off. It’s okay if I could not do any.

To do, some have had taken time, some have had taken strength. It’s worth it. At least I know I gave a try. I have been unsuccessful at many, like for instance the person to whom I was completely open about my life book; I could not change his mind. That did not hurt me. His actions, his ‘not’ being able to understand my vision, his judging views on me and so on hurt me.

That was the earth quake I fear if repeats would make a crack! So even if I want I could not be completely honest to anyone. I puzzle it and they call me enigmatic. And I am happy with that.

They say first impression lasts long. Everyone tries to make that good. I try to make that fake. I still don’t know why! It’s not that I fake it to make it better. I just fake it. Like the layers of onion, my impact stamps a confusing stain on people. And they easily know I am faking it because I am not that good in lying. And that’s what makes them not to trust me.

Everybody wants to be good. Obvious. Why would anybody be someone hated by others. So they try to be, sorry, they try to ‘show’ they are better and that’s what helps them gain friends. Hilarious it is but I do the opposite. I don’t believe in calling those people friends who hang around for their own benefits. Of course I understand there can be no person who isn’t selfish. But friendship for me has a deeper meaning. I love my friends to death and can do anything in my reach for them. And I know they would do for me too. Those people are called friends. Knowing people does not make you friends with them.

So I put my horrible image to a stranger. If they like me, then I show my true identity. Let me tell you that is not a good idea at all. No one would like you if they are satisfied that you are not good enough for them. I do it because it’s in my subconscious and I have been doing this for a long time and believe me I want to change it.

I want to change a lot of things. Change is something we need; something we long for.

Ps-This would be my longest blog till now. A friend of mine reminded me it’s been a while I have blogged and that made my thoughts flow. I have talked random things today. He would have never imagined I would flood the page. Here you go amigo, a big piece; keep on reading (wink)

Pss- I thought for several times whether to publish or not.

And here it is; publish!