Don't hold Back

I was a cry baby. I still am. I don’t understand why the act of crying is so infamous. People consider it as a sign of weakness. And the most bullshit statement I have ever heard is boys don’t cry. Why? Are they not allowed to shed tears?

As you laugh so you cry. There is nothing wrong in it. No need to run away from it.

I like to cry. I like tears. I feel it is one of the best creations of God. You laugh to express your happiness; you cry to exfoliate your sadness. It is a good thing to do. You feel a sudden lift of weight from your chest.

Get rid of the demon that eats you up inside. Cry. Don't hold back. Shed those tears. They are meant to leave your eyes, roll down your cheeks and see the world. By holding it back you are going to hurt yourself more.

Tears and smiles are the two wheels of a scooter. You need both to run your life and more importantly to run smooth you need the wheels of same size. So give some respect to tears as well. Cry whenever you feel like. Accept happiness and sadness with open hands.

I cry. I cry whenever I feel like. I have given my tears liberty. They roll down whenever they want to. Sometimes, as you cannot stop abruptly while laughing; I cannot do that while crying. But I can control it. It is a part of life and I give it no less value. I don’t feel ashamed of it. It is not my weakness.

It is an act that shows I am true; true with my feelings and I am not afraid to show them. 

I Like...

I like the smell of the tee you wear.

I like to roam in the house wearing that when you are asleep.

I like to make coffee for you in the morning.

I like how you sip it from the mug while one of your eyes is half-closed.

I like the way how you pull me back to bed when I try to wake you up.

I like the way you tease me when I dress up.

I like when we talk for hours in vain

I like when we walk miles together in rain.

I like it when you try your best to help me cook.

I like your love for your games, sports and books.

I like when  you do not ask me to stop while I cry.

I like the way you kiss and hug  when my mind is awry.

I like the long drives we go for in the weekends.

I like the late night candle light dinner dates.

I like the way you caress my hair.

I like the rugged torn levis you wear.

I like the way you listen to me with patience.

I like when you don’t run away from my craziness.

I like the space you give me and trust me so much. 

I like the fact that you like and need me very much. 

I like your beauty; it’s divine.

I like when you say that you are mine.

You look GREAT today!

It feels good when someone appreciates you. Isn’t it?

I know girls like to get appreciated. They might flick their eyes and  blush but I don’t. I am not a fan of compliments. I feel they carry pretence. If you are lucky, you are going to get an honest one

The reason I am blogging about this stupid thing is I felt good yesterday.

I was going to meet a friend after work. As soon as i get out of the platform i searched for him. I was in hurry rushing my way out of the crowd. There he was riding his scooter with ignition on. I reached. Jumped on the back seat and we left.

 “You look great today.” He said while whirling through the traffic.

It is said probably to make someone feel good, maybe. It was not for the first time; same person has said the same thing before! It never made any difference before but yesterday it did.  I rarely feel appreciated. I rarely feel good.

“What!”

“You look great today”

“Really!!!!" I was surprised.

I could not believe for a second what I heard. It was a long tiring day at office. And of course after office hours I don’t care to look presentable. So I stopped .I checked myself out. I was in a tired formal attire, messy hair after the stupid local train journey, faded Make up (don’t care), a stole and a ladies hand bag in a hand and coke in the other.

“Thanks.” I said.

I was not surprised for the fact that without trying to look good(which never matters) he said the four words. I was surprised because it FELT good.

May be he could read that I had tiring day at office and to make me feel better he said so. But whatever might be the reason, it made me smile.

                            Sometimes we forget to see the small happiness that come our way and complain about the problems we have in life. The never ending miseries of life, blinds us to enjoy moments we live in. So stop thinking about the thing that were not suppose to happen to you, for a while and try to perceive the joy of moments that you fail to realize.

MOST Precious Thing

Someone asked me ‘What is the most precious thing for you?’

It was an abrupt question from nowhere in the middle of a random conversation. I was blank for a couple of seconds. I was blank because I don’t know what to say. I did not have the answer. I never thought about it. A sudden pain in my head appeared as I started to search what is precious to me.

Is it my sister whom I love the most? Or my parents? Or the friends for whom I can die for? Or the people who treat me as their mentor and confide in me?

Wait a second! Why am I talking about people and relationship, there are tangible things that I love too. Like chocolates which makes me feel good when I am down like a perfect boyfriend one could ever imagine of. Or coffee, without which I cannot think of a single day. The letters I got filled with the dust of memories or the gifts that reminds me of the beautiful past I would die to trade for with my future. The diary of my high school where I bled my thoughts in the little poems I wrote. Or the scrapbook where my friends descried me how awesome I am to whom they never want to lose. Are these precious? Of course they are precious. These are the things I adore, something that makes me feel that I am worthy.

Listening to music, exploring the new world, meeting new people, singing, dancing, chatting, writing, reading, helping out others, doing things out of the box, pushing limits, making new friends, being vulnerable, trusting stranger- these are the things I do, I like, Are these precious? I mean the things I like to do should be precious, isn’t it? because it makes me happy.

The thoughts flooded in my head. I was confused which one not to consider. Then I narrowed it down priority wise. Of course the food makes me feel good but they can’t be precious as the relationship I share with someone. Yes, I value my family, I value my friends. And we all know human is a social animal. He can’t live alone. We crave for company, love and care. I want to love and to be loved. Then again I thought, what is the ‘most’ precious thing for me?

Is it LOVE???

No. Someone inside my head shouted- ‘NO’. I said why? It is something that everybody wants, I want. Then the voice of my head said why can’t you realize what is the MOST precious thing for you! There was a complete silence. I shrugged a little then my eyes got brighten, there was a smile on my face. Yes I found the answer. Answer to a simple question. It was “RESPECT”. Yes, you heard me right. I will prefer a person who respects me on the person who only loves me. Love might hurt but respect give you sense of existence. Yes I respect my family and friends. I respect people who I don’t know personally. And for me, knowing that a person respects me is the best thing I can ever expect from anybody.

  

Ps- The person who asked would not have a slightest idea that his question would bring a tornado of thoughts to me. 

Who does not love Sundays!

Who does not love Sundays!

You don’t have to wake up early, brush as soon as you get down from bed. In fact you don’t have to get down from your bed after you wake up. You can lie there for hours. No bras, no pajamas even (when you are alone )

This Sunday I was alone in room lying carelessly on my bed which was covered with Laptop, mobile, ipod, novel , earphones, dongle, specs, teddy, cushions, pillows, and a little space for me to lie! The floor was a mess with the wires of the extension cord and laptop charger. In the corner adjacent to the cord was the electric kettle I keep to make my coffee and Maggie, a teapoy aside my bed full of wafers, browinies,  chocolates, a pack of cigarette, lighter, muffins and of course coffee.

I was hung up upon the series ‘Breaking Bad’. I was in the last season and really wanted to know what happens to Walter cause I believe in Karma. And let me not start with Jessie or else I can go pages over pages writing about him. In short, I love him- both the actor and the character!

He was added in my list after Sherlock, Dexter and Patrick. I have mentioned the name of the characters and not their real name because I adore the character in the story and not the actor in person.

It wasn’t like I watched series the whole day. I was sleeping, waking up, having coffee, watching series , having Maggie then sleeping, waking up puffing cig, music on my earphones, having coffee, browsing internet, blogging, reading novel and the cycle repeats not in the same sequence of course! In short the whole day I did stuffs I like! My phone was a meter away, I did not logged in my facebook account, did not chat or talk to anyone-just once or twice though; of course being an Indian girl there would not be a day not speaking to your parents!

So munching on my muffins n brownies, sipping my coffee, puffing smoke, reading, writing, listening to music so loud like a thunder I reached a sense of equilibrium. It was like my room was sent to the empty universe far away. My room was in the in the black space all alone surrounded by distant stars. No noise, no pollution, not a single being to annoy. And inside I was there carefree doing things I like without getting disturbed by the world! 

I was living in a place where ONLY I exist.

It was an awesome day! Who does not love Sunday ;)

Care for your SOUL

Have you ever felt that you are not worthy enough just to be alive. Everything is falling apart. No one loves you, no one needs you. Then remember everyone out there is dealing with their own difficulties. They just don’t show it, like you.

Do not get intimidated by what life throws at you. Life is just like a basket ball game. You need to shoot the ball within the time period for yourself and for your team. You got to catch ball and make a move. If you stay then somebody else is going to take the ball.

My face, hair, nails, legs, ass, lips, eyes, nose... nothing is perfect. I don’t have a perfect body. I am a miniature; with small feet, short legs, face with scars, peach shaped body, small boobs, blunt nose, small eyes, ugly nails, night black hair, legs with blade scars.. and the list goes on. Wait a minute, I am not complaining. I listed to acknowledge that with all these imperfections I love my body, I love my soul. I would go out in shorts without my legs waxed showing all the scars of the wound that bled once. I don’t care to look pretty cause I know I am beautiful; Beautiful inside. You have to crush the hard rock covering like the one in coconut in order to see the soft vulnerable me inside. 

Let me tell you every one is like this. We all have a lot of things which we could trade with someone else if possible! You have to believe that you are not happy by impressing others. You are happy when you make yourself at peace. Find the inner beauty, find the peace. The answers you are looking for are all hidden in the layers of YOUR life. Stop lying to yourself. People find it difficult to accept but you have to believe that we, people, lie to ourselves more than to anybody else. So stop lying, stop procrastinating.

Learn to say ‘no’ when you really don’t want to go for. This world is so pretty and we have just one life to live with it. Live the fullest.

It’s on you! What is happening to you good/bad is karma. Oh yes, I believe in Karma. Try to take chances. Try to take blame for what you are responsible for.

Get ready for yourself. Be presentable in a way that YOU will like. Love yourself more than anybody. Care for your soul.

Not my fault

You liked, you cared

You called me every night

You talked, you shared

Every details of your life

I was proud of you,

u were my bff

Coz the bond we share

was terrific

Then suddenly you behaved in a way

I’ve never seen;

to my surprise

That was insane

You clinged to me

like a lost puppy

letting jealousy to dwell

And baby, oh well

I understand that you love me

But baby you should know

I don’t feel that way

You have to let me go

You love me; not my fault!

The bond we shared

was unconditioned

And you added constraints

How can you be so mean!

if I did anything wrong

sorry, please go away

coz Baby tryna understand

I don’t feel the same way

I understand that you love me

But baby you should know

I don’t feel that way

You have to let me go

You loved me; not my fault!

Ps- I always wanted to write songs, hope someday I could find  music for it.

You Gonna MISS Me

College Diaries:
From a Journal of a Teenager #1

It is sad when I think about the time I had spent painting a picture of our future. I thought we could be together. I thought you understood my every talks, I did not have to pretend. It was the same for you, I know. I could tell the very first day you fell for me. But you are so egoistic to accept that.

You know I am the only person who can understand you but you are too stubborn to acknowledge that! You did not care for a girl who genuinely had feelings for you. Hah, what you thought I would not get a man to love me! Or I could not get into a stable relationship? Boy, I chose you over 5 fucking million people. But you do not deserve it.

Sweetheart , you gonna miss me; miss me real bad. But let me tell you, I have moved on. Gone are the days when I wait for your text messages. I am fed up off your stupid beliefs. Like for instance you think by just having degree from a good university make you a deserving candidate to marry! OMG are you really serious? In which world are you living? Just look at the mirror once. Anyway I am not judging your looks, I really felt you are good at heart but  You are a pathetic self-centred egoistic creep who is worried about his life and nothing else; not even his family and friends.

You are fucked up. And I am sorry to say but you are a loser.

I wish I could curse you on your face but baby you gonna miss my dirty words too.

Cya diary!

Another cup of coffee!

“How can one not drink coffee? I mean, it’s just a coffee!!!” this is what I said when he ordered an iced tea showing dislike towards coffee. I was in the coffee shop with a man who does not like coffee. He was surprised by my love for it.  He was staring at me while I was busy sipping the hot black liquid; and he wondered how a person is so crazy about it. May be I am going overboard but please don’t judge my love for coffee. I will be happy to be with a man who would take me on date to a coffee shop rather than taking me to boring dark movie halls or big fat places to dine, where people eat less and show more.

We were meeting for the first time and instead of going for an expensive meal at a fancy restaurant, which he suggested, it was my idea for the place, Coffee shop; a place where you can sit for hours indulging into the taste and aroma of cafe with the choco-chip muffins.  I was completely into the mug i was holding, activating  each neuron of my brain, refreshing all the senses when he abruptly asked, ‘so, what you think?’ I was blank. I had no idea what he was talking about. I can’t even recollect what his name was! Suddenly I came back to the chair where I was sitting, realizing I am on a date arranged by my parents .

Oh yes, you heard it right. Even in the 21^st century, thinking I have the coolest parents of all, I was on a date with a stranger who might be my husband one day. I don’t blame them, at least they gave me an option for me to spend time with him and accordingly decide!

“Well, let’s talk about each other, later I would tell what I think about it”

‘’Okay, what you wanna know”

“What you want to share”, I smirked!

“That’s funny coz we're strangers, I don’t understand what to say, I know you are in the same position, that is why telling me to start”, he stared at me smiling.

It burst me into a big laugh. He was right. Any way, this how our conversation started. We talked.

He was cute, charming, smart; I could tell. After a chat of two hours he asked again, “So, tell me now”

“Tell you what?

“What you think?”

“About what”

“We meeting coz of our parents”

I smiled, put the last piece of brownie from my plate and said, ”Will tell you when we meet for another cup of coffee ”

Watching the world end

Last night you said ‘I love you’

You were with me and I was with you;

The story of us seemed as a fairy tale.

Sun rays tearing the dark,

I wish I could go 2 years back!

Why  the night has to end?

In a Long shirt and morning air,

Holding the Coffee mug with messy hair;

I looked outside the window pane.

Thinking of us, thinking of ME!

So selfish, how can I be?

Then on my face fell a few drops of rain.

Hey baby, Pull me back to our realm

I just don’t wanna break this dream.

Wrap me in your arms and kiss.

I like the feel of your touch.

I know you love me very much.

Your heart is the place where I belong.

Cause I wanna dance, I wanna die

And you are the one who lets me fly.

The world knows we don’t care.

So here,  we lie, under the sheets

Saying good bye, humming to our heart beats

Now we are alive: Watching the world end.