Look for the Signs

Well I hope it turns out I post it. It’s been a long time i have not posted in this blog. Well it does not mean that i have stopped writing or blogging, it’s just the blogs are so personal to share. I was having a walk along the roadways and its funny i was talking to myself. Many people do that and do not accept it. I know. Does not matter, I love talking to myself aloud. I am not ashamed of it. I am not crazy. It’s normal to talk to yourself. I was wondering how everyone is different from each other. In today’s world where people like to be fake so that they can impress each other and make others love them, I do the opposite. I don’t understand why I expose the vulnerability that does not even exist in in me. May be to get the true fact or its just happens I have no idea. In a world where people impress others, i make people hate me. It’s knowingly or unknowingly, idk, but  I repel people.

Born to Die

(Diary of a teenager 0707)


You said it is the game of lights. I could not get it out of my mind. I was so fascinated by flickering rhythmic lights that they made a mirror to the happiness in my life. The red color in which we sat for hours talking and cuddling, I could fill the warmth of your body like the steam of a freshly brewed coffee; irresistible and I craved for more.

We all are going to HELL!

From the diaries---

Today was a same day as every day. It’s just that I had to rush to station early because my uncle has to drop her wife to the airport. Oh well. I try to avoid locals as much as I can so I go daily to my office with uncle. It’s on his way so he drops me almost every day. So even if I need to get my ass off my bed in morning 7.30, which I normally do by 8 I managed somehow to do it. There I came to bus stop. Now this is the funny part. Every day I go to bus stop expecting to catch a bus like everybody else and save around 50 bucks daily but it seldom happens. I end up reserving a cab. Today I was standing at the bus stop waving my hand vertically- a gesture to halt cabs. There was standing a man, aged 60. He inquired me whether I am going to station. When I nodded he asked, ”Would you like to share a cab till station?” I was like cool, why not. Of course. No harm in being with an old person in the morning.

Zindagi- Life.

Today radio played every song on the word mentioned above, zindagi meaning life.

• Zindagi kaisi hai paheli haye
• Zindagi ke safar me gujar jate hai
• Zindagi pyaar ka geet hai isse har roz gana padega

Right now I could only recollect these three songs. There were one or two more.

I like to philosophise things. For me it’s all serendipity. Life gives you clues and hints to help you in making choices and taking decisions; you just have to be that smart enough to read these signals.

I had to do a lot of things before I die. The list is long and something or the other keeps on adding.

Random Stuff

Lovely date is today, 0707; the James bond date… Problem is with me that I have a lot to write on a lot of topics; they keep on pondering in my mind all the time but the moment I start to write I tend to forget and be as blank as a sky without stars.

It feels good, real good, when people say they missed you. You don’t know whether they did or not, you could never know, but the joy inside you, you know that  is real. It doesn’t matter whether it lasts for a couple of minutes or hours or days, it happens is what matters.

I have done things that I never thought I would ever do, although I wanted to do, but wasn’t sure I would have enough guts to pull myself from my walls that veiled me from the reality. I have done good things. I have done terrible things. The best part is I don’t have any regrets. I was shocked too.

You are not DEAD

You are kind of a broken star inside me

Burning and killing me when I am trying to live

The memories I cherished once is haunting me now

I wish you could come and save me, as you always did.

You are like twilight in the sky ready to bloom

Your thoughts are alive I wished you would have been too.

I can feel your breath, your presence around me

I wish we meet upfront, so that I could see.

"Psychic-Powers"

Is there anything called 'psychic' exists? I am very fond of people who fall under this category. And surprisingly once in my lifetime I felt that power within me. I felt out of the world; as if I found inner peace and attained a level of spirituality that a normal human would fail to reach. I was powerful and the feeling scared the hell out of me. I thought I was God. I don’t know who God is. I don’t know how it happened and why it happened. I was scared, really scared.  Gradually I believed these powers are a curse to me for any act of a sin I did may be some day. I could have utilized it but I did not want it. I wanted to be normal. May be it was not a power but some mere stupid coincidence happenings that led me to believe so.

A Loner

He was a loner, scared to trust another soul. He has been loved, hated, trusted, heart-broken, ditched, played, mocked. He found pain in love. His mother’s love was poisoned, brother’s love was bitter, father’s love was green, sister’s love was lost and friends’ love was a show. He was not sure whom to talk and what to talk. His lips were dried of words. He never smiled but laughed at everything in life. He did not know how to cry because he never got a shoulder to lean. He could not understand the difference between sympathy and empathy.

He was vulnerable inside but strong to the world. He showed nothing could affect him and no one could hurt him anymore. Even though everything mattered to him, he showed he did not give a damn. He learned to love himself more than anything exists in this beautiful earth. In the process he had not realized the people who cared for him.

If I weren’t BEAUTIFUL?

I have seen the world,

hot air of may

The walks we used to take

along the shore.

Would you have loved me if;

If I were not beautiful?

Menstruation- OMG what did you just say?

Yesterday I was having a small talk with one of my roommates. Girls gossip you know! She is the one who has recently got married and obviously dying to stay with her husband. Her husband lives in Chennai and she is stuck in Mumbai for the job. And I appreciate the fact that she is working after marriage. It’s not that common in Indian society to continue your job after marriage when your husband is at different part of the country. Here the girl has to adjust. Hence forth, she tried her level best to make herself transfer to Chennai which she succeeded eventually. So now the whole anxiety thing prevails as to when the date of transfer will come and she would be with her husband.

Bitter PAST

A friend of mine suddenly asked me that why do I write such post and blogs? Do you know it gives a negative impact, he said. Really? I never thought so. You most of the times rant about how you were wronged or you complain to the society. So? I wasn’t scared of what people might think of me. And I have full right to rant or complain or blabber or simply write. You don't like don't read. Yes I am rude. But rudeness come with boldness.

11 things that made me feel Better!

It feels good when some of the unexpected things happen; like

1. A person you just met once remembers your name when you thought he might have forgotten.
2. When you want the person you like or have crush on, to wish you on your bday but you know he would never remember and surprisingly he wishes you first.
3. When after a fight with your boy friend you get an ice cream cone or chocolate bar even if you aren’t talking to each other.
4. A surprise visit of your dad living miles away from you.
5. Your crush texts you when he is drunk saying you are the one he wants to talk to.
6. Your roommate cooks a meal for you when she knows you don’t eat the dish prepared in the hostel kitchen.
7. You get a cute little gift from someone who went for vacation.
8. A hug from your sister when you cry like a baby.
9. A friend who makes you feel worthy when you feel like a loser.
10. A smile, genuine smile from a person in the street.
11. Someone out of blue unknowingly helped you out in taking a decision.

Ps- you can always add more.

Ache inside my HEART

I had to meet you, tell you how amazing you are

I would come up to you, crossing the borders        

See you smile after we are apart

Somebody should have warned me

About the ache, that’s inside my heart.

Last wave I needed, from you

When you were leaving the country

And me alone, with the stars

That we used to gaze on the roof

Cuddling in each other’s arms.

I know it’s difficult, I’ve to pull up 

Myself from this never healing wound.

I wanna go back to the start!

But I wish good luck, fly up so high

No one could touch and cause harm.

It’s sad that we ended up like this

Situations tore us apart.

Somebody should have warned me

About the ache, that’s inside my heart.

I had no idea this would be so hard!

Hormones, Stupid Hormones

These hormones play a crucial part  in ones well being. These are not in control of oneself. You never know how they might surprise/angry/sad/excite you.

I fear the hormones. You would have no idea how they can  play you. Sometimes you do not want to show your desire for a person you like or get attracted to or have a crush on, but you cant escape from the clutches of hormones. You find it impossible to over power it. The ones responsible to make you sad or the endorphins that make you feel good, sometimes you can't control them and you are bound to show their symptons.

How much you try, if they act strong; a tear will roll down your cheeks doesn’t matter how much you control or a smile would stretch to both sides of ear no matter you try to hide the laugh inside. And most importantly the sexual desire. For a boy its really awkward when he gets a boner by just thinking about the one he is sexually attracted to in a place-not suppose to, like any public place or church(#confession of a teenager)You might think- in church! whoa, that's sick. I know it is weird but you can't help it when you are so much deeply in sexual love (lust is a derogatory term so I would not use that) with someone. Same happens for a girl. They take time but once a girl is aroused, it's like her body is over flowing with energies and she needs to invest it in something to attain equilibrium.

The oxytocins, prolactins, endorphins, estrogens, dopamines and many more to deal with; meh! stupid hormones, their names even doesn't make sense. I am not a bio student so I am not good at names or their functions nor I believe in to google about it and post in my blog. Yeah, one thing I am sure of is at the end of the day it's not in your hands. Just pray they(hormones) don't make you that predictable.

The QUOTA

Just got a call from my sister. She was mad, like real mad. She wants to get into fashion but you know the traditional orthodox parents of mine want her to get into a career with less risks like for example doctor. She is least interested in it I can tell but she has been groomed in such a way, she has accepted that she too wants to become a doctor. Not a new thing; most of the children in India do that- believing and accepting to do what their parents want to do and forget what their inner self strives for.

She is a very talented person. She writes, paints, designs and what not. She is confused what to do next and that is ok as every child at her age is in that phase. She wants to write a novel, she wants to become a fashion designer, she wants to be a painter and she wants to be a doctor too! That’s crazy I know but the environment has molded her wants that she could not distinguish between hers  and others desire of her future. Hence she forcibly made her parents wish as her duty to fulfill.

Well this was supposed to be about the call and not what happens in typical Indian families. Hehe. So I got a call from her in the morning. It was unusual because we don’t talk much. Its not that we aint close, we discuss more than what sisters do. It’s just I am not that a talking person. I believe in talking when it's really needed to discussed. Gone are those days where I talked for hours in vain.

She called me cause she was upset. I was happy that she called me. Anybody would have been. We all know that if somebody is calling when he is upset then the person to whom the call goes is very close.  So why was she upset? The reason is funny and grave at the same time. As I already said she wanted to step into the fashion world so I advised her to fill the form of NIFT. She did. She appeared for the exam too. She dint get into. She was sad. But my parents were successful in proving that this was not something she wanted to be in her life so instead of being sad start preparing vigorously for MBBS.

She wasn’t upset today that she dint get into. She was upset because a friend of her securing six marks less got the admission. She was shocked and surprised and angry. This is not fair. We all would agree. She could not be less happy for her friend but I could feel the frustration in her voice. She was mad, mad at the government and its stupid policies and reservations. When you are treating every individual equal then why the reservations?

people deserving seats were left and the ones with less qualification/merit gets the spot.

Our family did not believe in caste system hence we don’t have our surnames suffixed to our names. You have no idea what we have gone through because of our names, officially and unofficially! We get different response like, some make fun, some get surprised, some praise, some laugh at, some doubt, some judge and the list goes on…

We are Brahmins and we are paying heavily for that. I am talking in the context of reservation of seats, may it be parliament, government jobs, school and college seats competitions etc. Any person who falls in the general category could relate. Neither I am against any particular caste nor I am in favor of any caste, its just if government wants to treat every one as equal it should do so. Can't the government see that by reserving seats the less qualified ones takes the place of those who actually deserved it.

Let Me Be Free

He is sick of the world: sick of the people who are living a lie every second. He has a great life; he is handsome, has a five figure salary, a beautiful girl who loves him, great friends, understanding family. But he is not at peace. He is loved and respected. He is satisfied on the upper skin and weary inside. He wanted to be with the one he loved. But the orthodox society did not allow that.

He did not love the girl of his life. He loved his best friend. He was sick of pretending to be happy when he is not. He does not want to live a lie. He wants to be free. He is smart. Yet he is standing on the brink of a cliff; wondering what his mistake was. Why the world can’t accept him the way he is. What is wrong if he loves his best friend? What is wrong if he loves a guy?

He is gay. He has not chosen this life. It was born with him. It was not his decision to be like that. Why normal people see him with disrespect? Why the ones who feel attracted to the opposite sex are considered normal? I am a human too, he thought, I am not disobeying any law. In other part of world his love was in the same situation too. He might also be standing somewhere on the mountain edge ready to take one more leap and end the life of contempt.

May be a single step further would let him be free.

A jump will break the shackles of misery.

Bad,What is BAD?

Every day, a lot of questions spring on my mind. Many whys and why nots play around.

"Why People get attracted to the bad"- is one of them. Or i can frame it like- why i am attracted to the bad (too). What is so called 'bad'? Who defines it? What does that mean? Is it justifiable to categorize something good or bad?

We live a normal life. We sleep, wake up, eat, work, communicate then sleep. Also do a lot of other things, what a normal person does. But things become different when we push our limits. If someone's act crosses the limit then he has done something bad. May be in a way that is true. But life is worth full when we play at our very limits. It is risky and fun.The boundaries are delicate and beautifully designed. you have to push the limits carefully not crossing the boundaries.

This is not easy to do. And hence those who manage to do it become bad and those who want to do it get attracted to them. It's a simple magnet that draws for the fun missed. 

Be HONEST, It’s Fun.

I was living a lie, afraid to show to the world the real me. I was afraid what if I would not be accepted as I am in this society. So I always carried pretense so that I can project a good person who would be loved by all. And it worked. But then I realized it is on false impression. I had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea what is good! Because for every person the definition of ‘good’ changes and henceforth I got to learn one cannot live a life impressing others. Even if you are flawless they would dig you and find a matter to scorn you or mock at you. They are always ready with an excuse to prove how much wrong you are.

I was tired of the society and its false impressions! I could not tell the exact incident or date when I slowly began to be honest to the harsh world. Though I was always honest to myself and my close ones which would include my good buddies and family. But then I began to be honest to whomsoever I talk to. The funny part is even if I am completely honest they find it hard to believe; not because they don’t trust the story but because they know no one can be so honest to brutally expose oneself.

I learned a lot. Being an open book I made people leave my side because they could not get their idle friend in me. Normally people do not accept the ‘wrong’ things one does, which I clearly did! But the one who understood were at my side forever. I got to know who my real friends are and how supportive one’s family can be. I wondered why I tried so hard to impress others when I was a kid. Then I realized I was a kid. Now I am not. I know how much to be frank with someone.

Nobody is honest anymore and people are afraid of it (like I was). Try to be honest and get the response of the world. It’s fun!

The Girl Next Door

People call her rough/ugly/tom boy! It’s not that she isn't comfortable in her skin, she wears shorts and minis but loose shirts/tees, folded sleeves, torn out jeans, and sport shoes would describe her better. She prefers back pack to ladies hand bag, leather band to bangles, watches to bracelets, pants to skirts, sneakers to high heels. She is not a show.

She talks more but unfolds less. She is enigmatic and charming. With no makeup on and her hair tied to a single knot she would go to places and explore world.

She has been hurt enough to be strong to withstand the storm of lies, mockery, betrayals and other evil emotions that exists in the world. She is a girl full of energy and life.

She is straight forward. She is shy but would crush you to pieces if you hurt her self esteem. She has cared enough for the world. Now

She cares for herself and the ones she adore.

She is none other than the girl next door.

Be Smart and SEXY

I find it funny when people find girls showing more skin, sexy. Sexuality does not lie in the clothes one wears rather it is in the attitude. Of course short clothes act as catalyst. You don’t have to wear minimum clothes. You can be sexy even if you are not skinny. A real man does not go for the curve and cleavage. These are mere attraction. Nobody wants a temporary love, love based on the show, because I would classify it as lust. If your man is in love with you because you look good then after a few years he might love someone else.

This is for the girls who torture themselves to become someone their man wants. They work hard not to eat so that they can be skinny. I don't encourage eating anything anytime one wants (Though I do that sometimes) I am foody and I would suggest eating healthy and staying healthy. You can always excuse yourself for a bar of chocolate or a piece of brownie or your favorite ice cream. Don’t get sick. Don’t starve yourself to impress a man. They have no idea how much a girl has to deal in her life. They don’t have boobs or suffer from menstruation like us. I do not blame them. It is how the world is designed. 

Show your importance and worthiness through your demeanour and not clothes/body.

   

 Be smart and sexy in your attitude.

Just a thought- wanted to keep small and simple.

Happy on my OWN

I am here waiting for you

Because that’s what you asked me to do

I know you broke my heart

I was never good enough

For you!

Still you put the blame on me

Where were gone those days 

when you say sorry

Even if the fault was mine!

The thing we had was divine.

Now you are back

You pleaded for a chance.

I missed you much,I wondered 

To give you one more try

It bleeds my heart, it makes me cry,

And if I do, I know for sure

You gonna crush my heart,

You gonna crush my soul.

So baby just leave me alone

Go your way

I am happy on my own.

Meeting is not the thing, Fitting in is!

We meet a lot of people in our lives. Some become friends some enemies and some frenemies (You know what I mean). You meet people through school, college, canteen, café, bar, office, public transport, neighbourhood, games, shows, and nowadays you can even find through social networking. You become close. Make friends, then friends of friend become friends and the list goes on.

You will find them love, hurt, help, support, irk, use, mentor, abuse, fight, scorn, compliment, hate, disgust and a lot more they do. We strive to meet new people in order to get the right person who would treat us right. Hence we meet many, become friends with few, again amongst the few many turn out to be different from our imagination and hence we are left with very few from many.

 Hence no matter how many you meet, it’s important that you find the right person. We click with some and cut out many. A friend of mine once said, “Meeting is not the thing, fitting in is!” Yes, he was right. Meeting and making friendship with many won’t help you. Find the one who would understand you and complete your voids and try to fit in.That is enough and better than making hundred friends who just know your skin.

Things in detail

I love walking. It gives me pleasure of freedom;  Freedom in a different way. I feel like I can go anywhere I want, watching every detail I find on my way. Yes, I like to go in details. I feel that makes life worthwhile.

The morning air, rising sun, crimson rays, chirping birds, lazy dogs, busy traffic, people waiting at the bus stops, people walking, people running, riks crowding the road, honking of horn; oh I might write a whole page of what i see when i walk to station.

Then there comes the local train platform. Breakfast shops, juice corner, newspaper stalls, cutting chai-s, and the most important the crowdy platform. Seems the whole platform is moving. Announcement of trains. Sound of the wheels.

Then there comes the office. Various sounds like turning pages of file, phone ringing, pens scratching, bell rings for the peons, opening and shutting of door; and everything is done so carefully to maintain silence.
At the lunch time you can find people talking more and eating less because maintaining silence since morning was a big deal. There you can find smiling faces which were idle and serious in the office hours.

Then after work you are free to enjoy the world again. You can find faces busy outside but smiling inside cause they are returning home after a long tiring day. Some with tension may be at work. Some rush to the public transport, some have snack.

Again the busy roads, sound and noise pollution, dark outside, street lights burning, traffic lights governing and people 'always' in a hurry. Now I come to my room, my paradise where I do things what I like.

But this world surprises me always. There is something or the other to discover. I love looking into details and reading the nature.

Mistakes

Mistakes are the part of life.

Everyone does it. It happens.

People have sufficient time to find not the mistakes done by themselves but the ones made by others. They point out your mistakes in every possible way to make you feel miserable. They find a unique pleasure to prove themselves superior in any mere aspect.

Instead of peaking into others life, first introspect. Find ways to improve.

It’s not bad to point out mistakes. You find fault in a person then make him aware of it and find a way how to avoid it. Just don’t be a douche bag and point out finger because you ‘think’ you are smarter!

I know every one’s life is full of these ‘kinda’ people. Just stay away from them. And if you can’t then don’t let their words affect you. A free suggestion: IGNORE these people. I swear they have also been through misery still they find pleasure in torturing others.

They seem to have a lot of time to find faults in others.

I have a small life. In fact we all have a very short span of time to enjoy this beautiful gift: LIFE, I believe. There are a lot of things to do. I don’t understand how people find time to waste? How they stay idle for a single minute or say- “I am bored”. I seldom stay idle. There are a lot of things to do, places to visit, books to read, knowledge to gain. The whole world out there is so vast that one life isn’t enough to know about it.

This is what I feel.

"Want-'a'-Boyfriend"

“Enough! I also want to get committed”, Lisa said seeing a couple walking hand in hand in the railway platform. Roma, Lisa and I planned to visit elephant caves and Lisa and I were waiting for Roma in the platform. I was surprised for the sudden outburst because Lisa was a kind of girl who runs away from commitment. She was not like this before but after three heart breaks someone inside her was afraid to trust in guys.

“But you never wanted that!” I said closing the book I was reading.

“Well you know, I am really afraid to get into one because I cannot handle another break up. Why is it like I always fall in love for the person who turns out an asshole later?  I am tired of loving others. Now I want someone to love me. Buy me flowers, take me out for dates, spend time with me, care for me, confide in me, respect me and for god sake do these things without restriction”, she said in a single breath.

This was not new. She gets this "want-a-boyfriend" attack once in a while. I did not speak a word. I kept the book in my bag because I knew she was going to continue.

“Say something”, she stared at me with a curved eyebrow.

“What should I say? It’s not that you do not get guys hitting on you. But you are too afraid to go out with them.”

“Come on, You also know, they are hitting on me just to have sex. I don’t understand why men want only that!” She sighed.

“Don’t you want that”, I winked.

She burst into a laugh. She knew I was playing around.

“I want him to be romantic. That’s it. I am tired of being a grown up. I want to live in the teenage dream again”

“Okay”

“Mmm and about that, I want to make love and not sex”

I had no idea what she was talking about. A strange relief came when I saw Roma coming. At least I would not be alone to handle her craziness.

I took a step forward and waved to Roma.

“Hey guys, I am so sorry, since when are you waiting for me”? said Roma hugging the two of us.

“That’s ok, we were not bored, Lisa is again in the trance of "want-a-boyfriend” I said nudging Lisa on the shoulder.

We three laughed.

“Okay, we gonna get a handsome romantic guy for you, mumbai is full of them, Don’t worry sweetheart. Look, as the three of us are single, we are able to hang out. Or else who knows you would not get time for us and be “romantic” with him the whole day and night of course.” Roma said teasing Lisha.

“Now come on, Let us not get late further”, I said reading the time of the digital board.

It was one minute left  for the arrival of the train-CH.

I was happy to have friends as crazy as me. We understood each other and take a good care when any of the three fall under this kind of stupid trance.

Strangers

I know it would sound crazy but I like telling secrets to strangers. I like talking to them sharing every bit of my life. Because I know they would not judge me; how could they, they don’t even know me! Just a name for both of us is enough. I can go hours and hours talking, chatting, sharing!

Hence it is better to open up with someone you don't know. Either you become friends or the person just leaves. In both the cases you have nothing to lose. If you become good friends then you get someone who is accepting you with all the flaws you got. You again don't have to pretend to them or impress them in order to continue the friendship. I know you would think no one tries to impress their friends. But believe me, you do. There are a lot of things you don't disclose because you know the friend might not accept that the very fact about you and it might lead to weaken your so called 'friendship' and at last you just hide.

I am vulnerable. But strong enough not to allow anyone enter my weak zone. Yes I have been hurt. I have been hurt enough to deal with life. Enough to understand how people carry pretense. I know I can trust nobody; nobody I know. Cause they are going to mock at my secrets and fear my deepest dark side. I don't want to lose them. But strangers are people like you. At least you have option to pick from many. This world is full of them.

I love to love strangers. And happy to be friends with them.

The What-ifs of LIFE

College Diaries:
From a Journal of a Teenager #2

I know a guy with whom I have been friends with. And I really want to be more than friends. I like him. We can go hours talking. We share same taste in music and food. We both have been heart-broken. We both have moved on.

I know he also wants that.  But we both are afraid to confess because of the many what-ifs; what if our assumption is wrong! What if the other person denies! And the worst case- what if he does not feel the same way I do.

We suppressed our feelings because we might get hurt. But I want to confess. I want to say him that after a long time I finally found someone who thinks the same way I do. I feel alive with him. I like talking to him. I like listening to him more. I like the way he speaks so softly and slowly. I like the way he smiles. I want to be with him, at least meet him once. Go for a date. Talk about us, neither past nor future.

I want to show how stupid and crazy I am. I want to know how he would deal with my idiosyncrasies. I want him to confide in me. I love him and want him to love me more.

But I am afraid; afraid of rejection. Any one of us has to be brave to tell first.

 I hope I can. I wish he does.

Cya diary!

Everybody is so afraid to get hurt.It is like pain is ruling us. We fear it. 

Life is small and beautiful. Don’t let the what-ifs come in your way. There are millions of people out there. Why to get afraid of getting hurt from one? It might also be possible that your assumptions are true and the life would take a turn to a beautiful road. 

You never know. Take chances. Live the ‘only’ life you got in ‘your’ way. Don’t let any person or emotions govern you.

The World is Yours

Good and bad lies with you. Don't feel down.

I get frightened. I procrastinate. I doubt. But I Get up, break the black cloud. I Introspect. I Improve at least I try to.

I am not a good girl. I don’t want to be. I have seen the good to the bad! And vice-versa. World did not treat me right when i was good. Sometimes you have to be a bitch to make the world realize: you value! I am happy to be that bitch.

No one can take you for granted!

You don't have to be good to the world; to people who do not matter to you. First be good to yourself. Treat yourself well. Care for you. Believe in you.

I care for me. I love me. I am so much drowned in me that there is no place of loathing.

 Love yourself and trust in the potential you have. You  can do wonders, you don’t have to always do something productive, just keep yourself busy. Read, listen to music, write ideas, create ideas, think of ideas, ideas to reform the world, ideas to improve something, it might be crazy, don’t worry jot it down.

You have to believe that you can do it and the world is yours.

Don't hold Back

I was a cry baby. I still am. I don’t understand why the act of crying is so infamous. People consider it as a sign of weakness. And the most bullshit statement I have ever heard is boys don’t cry. Why? Are they not allowed to shed tears?

As you laugh so you cry. There is nothing wrong in it. No need to run away from it.

I like to cry. I like tears. I feel it is one of the best creations of God. You laugh to express your happiness; you cry to exfoliate your sadness. It is a good thing to do. You feel a sudden lift of weight from your chest.

Get rid of the demon that eats you up inside. Cry. Don't hold back. Shed those tears. They are meant to leave your eyes, roll down your cheeks and see the world. By holding it back you are going to hurt yourself more.

Tears and smiles are the two wheels of a scooter. You need both to run your life and more importantly to run smooth you need the wheels of same size. So give some respect to tears as well. Cry whenever you feel like. Accept happiness and sadness with open hands.

I cry. I cry whenever I feel like. I have given my tears liberty. They roll down whenever they want to. Sometimes, as you cannot stop abruptly while laughing; I cannot do that while crying. But I can control it. It is a part of life and I give it no less value. I don’t feel ashamed of it. It is not my weakness.

It is an act that shows I am true; true with my feelings and I am not afraid to show them. 

I Like...

I like the smell of the tee you wear.

I like to roam in the house wearing that when you are asleep.

I like to make coffee for you in the morning.

I like how you sip it from the mug while one of your eyes is half-closed.

I like the way how you pull me back to bed when I try to wake you up.

I like the way you tease me when I dress up.

I like when we talk for hours in vain

I like when we walk miles together in rain.

I like it when you try your best to help me cook.

I like your love for your games, sports and books.

I like when  you do not ask me to stop while I cry.

I like the way you kiss and hug  when my mind is awry.

I like the long drives we go for in the weekends.

I like the late night candle light dinner dates.

I like the way you caress my hair.

I like the rugged torn levis you wear.

I like the way you listen to me with patience.

I like when you don’t run away from my craziness.

I like the space you give me and trust me so much. 

I like the fact that you like and need me very much. 

I like your beauty; it’s divine.

I like when you say that you are mine.

You look GREAT today!

It feels good when someone appreciates you. Isn’t it?

I know girls like to get appreciated. They might flick their eyes and  blush but I don’t. I am not a fan of compliments. I feel they carry pretence. If you are lucky, you are going to get an honest one

The reason I am blogging about this stupid thing is I felt good yesterday.

I was going to meet a friend after work. As soon as i get out of the platform i searched for him. I was in hurry rushing my way out of the crowd. There he was riding his scooter with ignition on. I reached. Jumped on the back seat and we left.

 “You look great today.” He said while whirling through the traffic.

It is said probably to make someone feel good, maybe. It was not for the first time; same person has said the same thing before! It never made any difference before but yesterday it did.  I rarely feel appreciated. I rarely feel good.

“What!”

“You look great today”

“Really!!!!" I was surprised.

I could not believe for a second what I heard. It was a long tiring day at office. And of course after office hours I don’t care to look presentable. So I stopped .I checked myself out. I was in a tired formal attire, messy hair after the stupid local train journey, faded Make up (don’t care), a stole and a ladies hand bag in a hand and coke in the other.

“Thanks.” I said.

I was not surprised for the fact that without trying to look good(which never matters) he said the four words. I was surprised because it FELT good.

May be he could read that I had tiring day at office and to make me feel better he said so. But whatever might be the reason, it made me smile.

                            Sometimes we forget to see the small happiness that come our way and complain about the problems we have in life. The never ending miseries of life, blinds us to enjoy moments we live in. So stop thinking about the thing that were not suppose to happen to you, for a while and try to perceive the joy of moments that you fail to realize.

MOST Precious Thing

Someone asked me ‘What is the most precious thing for you?’

It was an abrupt question from nowhere in the middle of a random conversation. I was blank for a couple of seconds. I was blank because I don’t know what to say. I did not have the answer. I never thought about it. A sudden pain in my head appeared as I started to search what is precious to me.

Is it my sister whom I love the most? Or my parents? Or the friends for whom I can die for? Or the people who treat me as their mentor and confide in me?

Wait a second! Why am I talking about people and relationship, there are tangible things that I love too. Like chocolates which makes me feel good when I am down like a perfect boyfriend one could ever imagine of. Or coffee, without which I cannot think of a single day. The letters I got filled with the dust of memories or the gifts that reminds me of the beautiful past I would die to trade for with my future. The diary of my high school where I bled my thoughts in the little poems I wrote. Or the scrapbook where my friends descried me how awesome I am to whom they never want to lose. Are these precious? Of course they are precious. These are the things I adore, something that makes me feel that I am worthy.

Listening to music, exploring the new world, meeting new people, singing, dancing, chatting, writing, reading, helping out others, doing things out of the box, pushing limits, making new friends, being vulnerable, trusting stranger- these are the things I do, I like, Are these precious? I mean the things I like to do should be precious, isn’t it? because it makes me happy.

The thoughts flooded in my head. I was confused which one not to consider. Then I narrowed it down priority wise. Of course the food makes me feel good but they can’t be precious as the relationship I share with someone. Yes, I value my family, I value my friends. And we all know human is a social animal. He can’t live alone. We crave for company, love and care. I want to love and to be loved. Then again I thought, what is the ‘most’ precious thing for me?

Is it LOVE???

No. Someone inside my head shouted- ‘NO’. I said why? It is something that everybody wants, I want. Then the voice of my head said why can’t you realize what is the MOST precious thing for you! There was a complete silence. I shrugged a little then my eyes got brighten, there was a smile on my face. Yes I found the answer. Answer to a simple question. It was “RESPECT”. Yes, you heard me right. I will prefer a person who respects me on the person who only loves me. Love might hurt but respect give you sense of existence. Yes I respect my family and friends. I respect people who I don’t know personally. And for me, knowing that a person respects me is the best thing I can ever expect from anybody.

  

Ps- The person who asked would not have a slightest idea that his question would bring a tornado of thoughts to me. 

Who does not love Sundays!

Who does not love Sundays!

You don’t have to wake up early, brush as soon as you get down from bed. In fact you don’t have to get down from your bed after you wake up. You can lie there for hours. No bras, no pajamas even (when you are alone )

This Sunday I was alone in room lying carelessly on my bed which was covered with Laptop, mobile, ipod, novel , earphones, dongle, specs, teddy, cushions, pillows, and a little space for me to lie! The floor was a mess with the wires of the extension cord and laptop charger. In the corner adjacent to the cord was the electric kettle I keep to make my coffee and Maggie, a teapoy aside my bed full of wafers, browinies,  chocolates, a pack of cigarette, lighter, muffins and of course coffee.

I was hung up upon the series ‘Breaking Bad’. I was in the last season and really wanted to know what happens to Walter cause I believe in Karma. And let me not start with Jessie or else I can go pages over pages writing about him. In short, I love him- both the actor and the character!

He was added in my list after Sherlock, Dexter and Patrick. I have mentioned the name of the characters and not their real name because I adore the character in the story and not the actor in person.

It wasn’t like I watched series the whole day. I was sleeping, waking up, having coffee, watching series , having Maggie then sleeping, waking up puffing cig, music on my earphones, having coffee, browsing internet, blogging, reading novel and the cycle repeats not in the same sequence of course! In short the whole day I did stuffs I like! My phone was a meter away, I did not logged in my facebook account, did not chat or talk to anyone-just once or twice though; of course being an Indian girl there would not be a day not speaking to your parents!

So munching on my muffins n brownies, sipping my coffee, puffing smoke, reading, writing, listening to music so loud like a thunder I reached a sense of equilibrium. It was like my room was sent to the empty universe far away. My room was in the in the black space all alone surrounded by distant stars. No noise, no pollution, not a single being to annoy. And inside I was there carefree doing things I like without getting disturbed by the world! 

I was living in a place where ONLY I exist.

It was an awesome day! Who does not love Sunday ;)

Care for your SOUL

Have you ever felt that you are not worthy enough just to be alive. Everything is falling apart. No one loves you, no one needs you. Then remember everyone out there is dealing with their own difficulties. They just don’t show it, like you.

Do not get intimidated by what life throws at you. Life is just like a basket ball game. You need to shoot the ball within the time period for yourself and for your team. You got to catch ball and make a move. If you stay then somebody else is going to take the ball.

My face, hair, nails, legs, ass, lips, eyes, nose... nothing is perfect. I don’t have a perfect body. I am a miniature; with small feet, short legs, face with scars, peach shaped body, small boobs, blunt nose, small eyes, ugly nails, night black hair, legs with blade scars.. and the list goes on. Wait a minute, I am not complaining. I listed to acknowledge that with all these imperfections I love my body, I love my soul. I would go out in shorts without my legs waxed showing all the scars of the wound that bled once. I don’t care to look pretty cause I know I am beautiful; Beautiful inside. You have to crush the hard rock covering like the one in coconut in order to see the soft vulnerable me inside. 

Let me tell you every one is like this. We all have a lot of things which we could trade with someone else if possible! You have to believe that you are not happy by impressing others. You are happy when you make yourself at peace. Find the inner beauty, find the peace. The answers you are looking for are all hidden in the layers of YOUR life. Stop lying to yourself. People find it difficult to accept but you have to believe that we, people, lie to ourselves more than to anybody else. So stop lying, stop procrastinating.

Learn to say ‘no’ when you really don’t want to go for. This world is so pretty and we have just one life to live with it. Live the fullest.

It’s on you! What is happening to you good/bad is karma. Oh yes, I believe in Karma. Try to take chances. Try to take blame for what you are responsible for.

Get ready for yourself. Be presentable in a way that YOU will like. Love yourself more than anybody. Care for your soul.

Not my fault

You liked, you cared

You called me every night

You talked, you shared

Every details of your life

I was proud of you,

u were my bff

Coz the bond we share

was terrific

Then suddenly you behaved in a way

I’ve never seen;

to my surprise

That was insane

You clinged to me

like a lost puppy

letting jealousy to dwell

And baby, oh well

I understand that you love me

But baby you should know

I don’t feel that way

You have to let me go

You love me; not my fault!

The bond we shared

was unconditioned

And you added constraints

How can you be so mean!

if I did anything wrong

sorry, please go away

coz Baby tryna understand

I don’t feel the same way

I understand that you love me

But baby you should know

I don’t feel that way

You have to let me go

You loved me; not my fault!

Ps- I always wanted to write songs, hope someday I could find  music for it.

You Gonna MISS Me

College Diaries:
From a Journal of a Teenager #1

It is sad when I think about the time I had spent painting a picture of our future. I thought we could be together. I thought you understood my every talks, I did not have to pretend. It was the same for you, I know. I could tell the very first day you fell for me. But you are so egoistic to accept that.

You know I am the only person who can understand you but you are too stubborn to acknowledge that! You did not care for a girl who genuinely had feelings for you. Hah, what you thought I would not get a man to love me! Or I could not get into a stable relationship? Boy, I chose you over 5 fucking million people. But you do not deserve it.

Sweetheart , you gonna miss me; miss me real bad. But let me tell you, I have moved on. Gone are the days when I wait for your text messages. I am fed up off your stupid beliefs. Like for instance you think by just having degree from a good university make you a deserving candidate to marry! OMG are you really serious? In which world are you living? Just look at the mirror once. Anyway I am not judging your looks, I really felt you are good at heart but  You are a pathetic self-centred egoistic creep who is worried about his life and nothing else; not even his family and friends.

You are fucked up. And I am sorry to say but you are a loser.

I wish I could curse you on your face but baby you gonna miss my dirty words too.

Cya diary!

Another cup of coffee!

“How can one not drink coffee? I mean, it’s just a coffee!!!” this is what I said when he ordered an iced tea showing dislike towards coffee. I was in the coffee shop with a man who does not like coffee. He was surprised by my love for it.  He was staring at me while I was busy sipping the hot black liquid; and he wondered how a person is so crazy about it. May be I am going overboard but please don’t judge my love for coffee. I will be happy to be with a man who would take me on date to a coffee shop rather than taking me to boring dark movie halls or big fat places to dine, where people eat less and show more.

We were meeting for the first time and instead of going for an expensive meal at a fancy restaurant, which he suggested, it was my idea for the place, Coffee shop; a place where you can sit for hours indulging into the taste and aroma of cafe with the choco-chip muffins.  I was completely into the mug i was holding, activating  each neuron of my brain, refreshing all the senses when he abruptly asked, ‘so, what you think?’ I was blank. I had no idea what he was talking about. I can’t even recollect what his name was! Suddenly I came back to the chair where I was sitting, realizing I am on a date arranged by my parents .

Oh yes, you heard it right. Even in the 21^st century, thinking I have the coolest parents of all, I was on a date with a stranger who might be my husband one day. I don’t blame them, at least they gave me an option for me to spend time with him and accordingly decide!

“Well, let’s talk about each other, later I would tell what I think about it”

‘’Okay, what you wanna know”

“What you want to share”, I smirked!

“That’s funny coz we're strangers, I don’t understand what to say, I know you are in the same position, that is why telling me to start”, he stared at me smiling.

It burst me into a big laugh. He was right. Any way, this how our conversation started. We talked.

He was cute, charming, smart; I could tell. After a chat of two hours he asked again, “So, tell me now”

“Tell you what?

“What you think?”

“About what”

“We meeting coz of our parents”

I smiled, put the last piece of brownie from my plate and said, ”Will tell you when we meet for another cup of coffee ”

Watching the world end

Last night you said ‘I love you’

You were with me and I was with you;

The story of us seemed as a fairy tale.

Sun rays tearing the dark,

I wish I could go 2 years back!

Why  the night has to end?

In a Long shirt and morning air,

Holding the Coffee mug with messy hair;

I looked outside the window pane.

Thinking of us, thinking of ME!

So selfish, how can I be?

Then on my face fell a few drops of rain.

Hey baby, Pull me back to our realm

I just don’t wanna break this dream.

Wrap me in your arms and kiss.

I like the feel of your touch.

I know you love me very much.

Your heart is the place where I belong.

Cause I wanna dance, I wanna die

And you are the one who lets me fly.

The world knows we don’t care.

So here,  we lie, under the sheets

Saying good bye, humming to our heart beats

Now we are alive: Watching the world end.

Angel for the Demon

Roaming aimlessly in the busy platform he wonders, “From whom am I running away!” He is young full of life; a programmer,  a drinker, a smoker, a lover! Unsure of what he is doing in life. He wonders people want them to be loved then why being loved for him is not enough. Isn’t he normal? He loves the way she loved him still he feels terrified! Even though he knows her love is true he pushes her away, then again comes back to her.  He wants to run away from life and Live in the insanity of her love. He is vulnerable, knows no one else would love him like she did but does not want to keep her nor want to lose her. His dilemma is not her but his own feelings. She is the one to whom he comes when he runs away from her. She understands! She resists, she accepts: A divine beauty.
She keeps on loving.

Then he turned and saw someone smiling, she is the one, a perfect angel. I need her, he acknowledged! She knew what was happening. She always knows. When he reached to her, she hugged and said -

 “let me love you, show you light, 

   you can choose what is right!” 

That someone!

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
― Bob Marley

ps- I loved it so much that i could not stop sharing it. (plus i had not blogged since weeks!)