You are not DEAD

You are kind of a broken star inside me

Burning and killing me when I am trying to live

The memories I cherished once is haunting me now

I wish you could come and save me, as you always did.

You are like twilight in the sky ready to bloom

Your thoughts are alive I wished you would have been too.

I can feel your breath, your presence around me

I wish we meet upfront, so that I could see.

11 things that made me feel Better!

It feels good when some of the unexpected things happen; like

1. A person you just met once remembers your name when you thought he might have forgotten.
2. When you want the person you like or have crush on, to wish you on your bday but you know he would never remember and surprisingly he wishes you first.
3. When after a fight with your boy friend you get an ice cream cone or chocolate bar even if you aren’t talking to each other.
4. A surprise visit of your dad living miles away from you.
5. Your crush texts you when he is drunk saying you are the one he wants to talk to.
6. Your roommate cooks a meal for you when she knows you don’t eat the dish prepared in the hostel kitchen.
7. You get a cute little gift from someone who went for vacation.
8. A hug from your sister when you cry like a baby.
9. A friend who makes you feel worthy when you feel like a loser.
10. A smile, genuine smile from a person in the street.
11. Someone out of blue unknowingly helped you out in taking a decision.

Ps- you can always add more.

Strangers

I know it would sound crazy but I like telling secrets to strangers. I like talking to them sharing every bit of my life. Because I know they would not judge me; how could they, they don’t even know me! Just a name for both of us is enough. I can go hours and hours talking, chatting, sharing!

Hence it is better to open up with someone you don't know. Either you become friends or the person just leaves. In both the cases you have nothing to lose. If you become good friends then you get someone who is accepting you with all the flaws you got. You again don't have to pretend to them or impress them in order to continue the friendship. I know you would think no one tries to impress their friends. But believe me, you do. There are a lot of things you don't disclose because you know the friend might not accept that the very fact about you and it might lead to weaken your so called 'friendship' and at last you just hide.

I am vulnerable. But strong enough not to allow anyone enter my weak zone. Yes I have been hurt. I have been hurt enough to deal with life. Enough to understand how people carry pretense. I know I can trust nobody; nobody I know. Cause they are going to mock at my secrets and fear my deepest dark side. I don't want to lose them. But strangers are people like you. At least you have option to pick from many. This world is full of them.

I love to love strangers. And happy to be friends with them.

The What-ifs of LIFE

College Diaries:
From a Journal of a Teenager #2

I know a guy with whom I have been friends with. And I really want to be more than friends. I like him. We can go hours talking. We share same taste in music and food. We both have been heart-broken. We both have moved on.

I know he also wants that.  But we both are afraid to confess because of the many what-ifs; what if our assumption is wrong! What if the other person denies! And the worst case- what if he does not feel the same way I do.

We suppressed our feelings because we might get hurt. But I want to confess. I want to say him that after a long time I finally found someone who thinks the same way I do. I feel alive with him. I like talking to him. I like listening to him more. I like the way he speaks so softly and slowly. I like the way he smiles. I want to be with him, at least meet him once. Go for a date. Talk about us, neither past nor future.

I want to show how stupid and crazy I am. I want to know how he would deal with my idiosyncrasies. I want him to confide in me. I love him and want him to love me more.

But I am afraid; afraid of rejection. Any one of us has to be brave to tell first.

 I hope I can. I wish he does.

Cya diary!

Everybody is so afraid to get hurt.It is like pain is ruling us. We fear it. 

Life is small and beautiful. Don’t let the what-ifs come in your way. There are millions of people out there. Why to get afraid of getting hurt from one? It might also be possible that your assumptions are true and the life would take a turn to a beautiful road. 

You never know. Take chances. Live the ‘only’ life you got in ‘your’ way. Don’t let any person or emotions govern you.

The World is Yours

Good and bad lies with you. Don't feel down.

I get frightened. I procrastinate. I doubt. But I Get up, break the black cloud. I Introspect. I Improve at least I try to.

I am not a good girl. I don’t want to be. I have seen the good to the bad! And vice-versa. World did not treat me right when i was good. Sometimes you have to be a bitch to make the world realize: you value! I am happy to be that bitch.

No one can take you for granted!

You don't have to be good to the world; to people who do not matter to you. First be good to yourself. Treat yourself well. Care for you. Believe in you.

I care for me. I love me. I am so much drowned in me that there is no place of loathing.

 Love yourself and trust in the potential you have. You  can do wonders, you don’t have to always do something productive, just keep yourself busy. Read, listen to music, write ideas, create ideas, think of ideas, ideas to reform the world, ideas to improve something, it might be crazy, don’t worry jot it down.

You have to believe that you can do it and the world is yours.

MOST Precious Thing

Someone asked me ‘What is the most precious thing for you?’

It was an abrupt question from nowhere in the middle of a random conversation. I was blank for a couple of seconds. I was blank because I don’t know what to say. I did not have the answer. I never thought about it. A sudden pain in my head appeared as I started to search what is precious to me.

Is it my sister whom I love the most? Or my parents? Or the friends for whom I can die for? Or the people who treat me as their mentor and confide in me?

Wait a second! Why am I talking about people and relationship, there are tangible things that I love too. Like chocolates which makes me feel good when I am down like a perfect boyfriend one could ever imagine of. Or coffee, without which I cannot think of a single day. The letters I got filled with the dust of memories or the gifts that reminds me of the beautiful past I would die to trade for with my future. The diary of my high school where I bled my thoughts in the little poems I wrote. Or the scrapbook where my friends descried me how awesome I am to whom they never want to lose. Are these precious? Of course they are precious. These are the things I adore, something that makes me feel that I am worthy.

Listening to music, exploring the new world, meeting new people, singing, dancing, chatting, writing, reading, helping out others, doing things out of the box, pushing limits, making new friends, being vulnerable, trusting stranger- these are the things I do, I like, Are these precious? I mean the things I like to do should be precious, isn’t it? because it makes me happy.

The thoughts flooded in my head. I was confused which one not to consider. Then I narrowed it down priority wise. Of course the food makes me feel good but they can’t be precious as the relationship I share with someone. Yes, I value my family, I value my friends. And we all know human is a social animal. He can’t live alone. We crave for company, love and care. I want to love and to be loved. Then again I thought, what is the ‘most’ precious thing for me?

Is it LOVE???

No. Someone inside my head shouted- ‘NO’. I said why? It is something that everybody wants, I want. Then the voice of my head said why can’t you realize what is the MOST precious thing for you! There was a complete silence. I shrugged a little then my eyes got brighten, there was a smile on my face. Yes I found the answer. Answer to a simple question. It was “RESPECT”. Yes, you heard me right. I will prefer a person who respects me on the person who only loves me. Love might hurt but respect give you sense of existence. Yes I respect my family and friends. I respect people who I don’t know personally. And for me, knowing that a person respects me is the best thing I can ever expect from anybody.

  

Ps- The person who asked would not have a slightest idea that his question would bring a tornado of thoughts to me. 

Another cup of coffee!

“How can one not drink coffee? I mean, it’s just a coffee!!!” this is what I said when he ordered an iced tea showing dislike towards coffee. I was in the coffee shop with a man who does not like coffee. He was surprised by my love for it.  He was staring at me while I was busy sipping the hot black liquid; and he wondered how a person is so crazy about it. May be I am going overboard but please don’t judge my love for coffee. I will be happy to be with a man who would take me on date to a coffee shop rather than taking me to boring dark movie halls or big fat places to dine, where people eat less and show more.

We were meeting for the first time and instead of going for an expensive meal at a fancy restaurant, which he suggested, it was my idea for the place, Coffee shop; a place where you can sit for hours indulging into the taste and aroma of cafe with the choco-chip muffins.  I was completely into the mug i was holding, activating  each neuron of my brain, refreshing all the senses when he abruptly asked, ‘so, what you think?’ I was blank. I had no idea what he was talking about. I can’t even recollect what his name was! Suddenly I came back to the chair where I was sitting, realizing I am on a date arranged by my parents .

Oh yes, you heard it right. Even in the 21^st century, thinking I have the coolest parents of all, I was on a date with a stranger who might be my husband one day. I don’t blame them, at least they gave me an option for me to spend time with him and accordingly decide!

“Well, let’s talk about each other, later I would tell what I think about it”

‘’Okay, what you wanna know”

“What you want to share”, I smirked!

“That’s funny coz we're strangers, I don’t understand what to say, I know you are in the same position, that is why telling me to start”, he stared at me smiling.

It burst me into a big laugh. He was right. Any way, this how our conversation started. We talked.

He was cute, charming, smart; I could tell. After a chat of two hours he asked again, “So, tell me now”

“Tell you what?

“What you think?”

“About what”

“We meeting coz of our parents”

I smiled, put the last piece of brownie from my plate and said, ”Will tell you when we meet for another cup of coffee ”

Watching the world end

Last night you said ‘I love you’

You were with me and I was with you;

The story of us seemed as a fairy tale.

Sun rays tearing the dark,

I wish I could go 2 years back!

Why  the night has to end?

In a Long shirt and morning air,

Holding the Coffee mug with messy hair;

I looked outside the window pane.

Thinking of us, thinking of ME!

So selfish, how can I be?

Then on my face fell a few drops of rain.

Hey baby, Pull me back to our realm

I just don’t wanna break this dream.

Wrap me in your arms and kiss.

I like the feel of your touch.

I know you love me very much.

Your heart is the place where I belong.

Cause I wanna dance, I wanna die

And you are the one who lets me fly.

The world knows we don’t care.

So here,  we lie, under the sheets

Saying good bye, humming to our heart beats

Now we are alive: Watching the world end.

Angel for the Demon

Roaming aimlessly in the busy platform he wonders, “From whom am I running away!” He is young full of life; a programmer,  a drinker, a smoker, a lover! Unsure of what he is doing in life. He wonders people want them to be loved then why being loved for him is not enough. Isn’t he normal? He loves the way she loved him still he feels terrified! Even though he knows her love is true he pushes her away, then again comes back to her.  He wants to run away from life and Live in the insanity of her love. He is vulnerable, knows no one else would love him like she did but does not want to keep her nor want to lose her. His dilemma is not her but his own feelings. She is the one to whom he comes when he runs away from her. She understands! She resists, she accepts: A divine beauty.
She keeps on loving.

Then he turned and saw someone smiling, she is the one, a perfect angel. I need her, he acknowledged! She knew what was happening. She always knows. When he reached to her, she hugged and said -

 “let me love you, show you light, 

   you can choose what is right!” 

A lot can happen over a bookmark ;)

It was a typical Wednesday evening and I was returning from work. Tired. I don’t miss a single chance to get a seat, not because I hate standing but to open my book and start reading. In a compartment full of woman you can never expect silence. You get to hear the horn of train, ladies talking, girls whispering, vendors shouting, announcement of stations, and how could I forget the sound of train wheels against the tracks. Even listening to music  in my earphones could not help me to get distracted from these disturbing sounds; but novel takes me to its own world and I find peace.

Right now I am hung up on eleven minutes. Marvellous book I must say. I can so much relate to it. I never knew Coelho could write erotic scenes in such a delicate way. I still had a hangover of that chapter and was excited to know what next coming! The conversation of a girl sitting beside me dint even bothered me. As soon as I got a seat and was comfortable to open a book, I did. The moment I placed my bookmark to the end, the girl sitting beside me asked, ”Can I see your bookmark?”  She was sweet and polite. I handed it over and was least interested in conversation. Then again a question popped, “from flipkart?”

“yes”

“Oh I feel so good to find reader like me, my all friends hate reading and my parents have warned me not to buy more books cause the house is flooded by it”

This statement took my interest because she thought we were alike, but we weren’t. I closed my book and told her I am not a vigorous reader. I read less. I read for fun. And then our conversation started. We talked a lot. She was friendly and told me a lot about Mumbai. It was nice meeting her. When she got to know that I blog, she suggested me to write about how we had a conversation with the help of a bookmark. So this is all about it. My first train friend, Rachael.

This city is full of surprises. I am loving it.